Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
