how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
