So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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