I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
