The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
