theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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