Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize