uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
