She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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