yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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