I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
