FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
