Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
