My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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