and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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