you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
