Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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