HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
