So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
