She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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