grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize