im drinking this country out of the recession.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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