Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just want nice things and good sex
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
