Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize