I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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