This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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