my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
