Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
