Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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