And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
