"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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