i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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