The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
