I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
