He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
