i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
