So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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