I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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