I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
