I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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