i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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