I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
