So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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