My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
