what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
