he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize