I should be sponsored by Trojan
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize