You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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