My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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