I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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