WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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