God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize