Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
