she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
