My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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