Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Randomize
