How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
