I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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