i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
