Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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