A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
