o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
