I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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